Here you'll find some of my faves. You can also send me your favorites at Jokes@briancopeland.com.
These jokes are NOT for the squeamish!
The Dream Gig
A long time welfare recipient, a man who's been on welfare for 20 plus years, goes to the welfare office and says to the clerk,
"That's it. I've had it. I want off of welfare."
The clerk says, "That's amazing! I can't believe you came in right at this exact moment. We just got a call about a job. Here's the deal. You have to work for a gorgeous, 25 year old multi millionaire nymphomaniac. Your job would be to satisfy her every physical need, drive her around in her porsche, rolls royce and lamborgini, and stay with her in her mansion in beverly hills, her beach house in malibu and her villa in spain. The job pays $200,000 a year and includes free room and board!"
The welfare recipient says, "You're bullshitting me!"
The clerk retorts, "Well, you started it."
Jokes guaranteed to make you sleep on the couch
Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None, it should be open by the time she brings it to you.
Q. Why is laundreymat a bad place to pick up a woman?
A. Because if a woman can't afford a washing machine, she's never gonna be able to support you.
Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A. It's one of those evolutionary things that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Q. How do you fix a woman's watch?
A. You don't there's a clock on the oven
The King of what?
Q. Where did Michael Jackson go to college?
A. Bring 'em Young University
Forgiveness
Jesus is walking down the street in Jerusalem when he comes upon an angry mob that has surrounded a prostitute. They're going to stone her to death.
Jesus walks through the crowd, stands next to the woman with his arm around her and says, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
Out of nowhere, a big rock flies through the air, hits the hooker in the head and kills her.
Jesus says, "You know Mother, you're really starting to piss me off!"
Definition of Barbecuing
It's the only type of cooking a "real man" will do. When a man volunteers to do the "BBQ" the following chain of events are put into motion:
1) The woman goes to the store.
2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the veggies.
6) The woman goes outside to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off". And upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
California Women
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new
wives duties.
Terry had married a woman from Utah, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. . . . He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
Jimmie had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. . . . .He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
George had married a California girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal........... He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the washer and dishwasher, and call a gardener.
Riddle Me This
Q. What do you call a black man who flies airplanes?
A. A pilot, you racist.
